Sigh

I hate PW. I'm such a burden to my group

Can't really write this on facebook

But I want to write it out badly, so I'll write it here. Where do you draw the line between an innocent compliment and a flirt, especially to a new friend?

Doubts

I'm really happy for CJ. The upcoming concert is going to be awesome and CJ's getting featured on O.M.G as a challenger.

Which makes me sad still, because once again it reminds me of Project U.P

I promised myself I would never give up, but I'm just having so much doubt about my ability to dance. I've failed dance auditions for three times, with maximum effort put in all the time. And last time when they asked me at the audition why I wanted to try again, I was really at a loss of what to say and made up some cliche stuff. Honestly I have no idea what really made me try again. Probably because I want to be in the crew and just be part of this awesome group of people so badly.

I want to try again next year, but studies will be really busy, and it feels weird going again, no thanks to stupid human pride. Should I take a break next year and try again after A levels? Will I be too old by then? Will my dancing skills have rusted by then?

Sigh

I love CJ but I don't like it at the same time. I love hanging out with them but hate it also because it reminds me of project U.P . My philosophy is better to try something then fail rather than not to try at all. But I'm having doubts for that as well.

Really depressed about all this.

I want to dance.

WTFs?

The Triple.Fi I'm ordering turns out to be $450 instead of $399, but that's still better than $699 RRP
Saw this 42-person (yes I counted) queue at the money exchange booth at J8 today. WTF?
This one person who often ignores me when I say hi to her in school tapped me on my shoulder and said hi today at J8. Another WTF
I'm IC for befriender dance sub-comm WTF :D?

I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile

It's the first time my blog post has such a cheesy title...Saw it (for the 2nd time actually) on a friend's friend's blog and I just felt like using it as a title.

My keyboard is not going haywire and is almost working normally, so I'm gonna take this rare chance to write an entry

I'm getting a new laptop woooo hoooo. Asus G53JW with backlit keyboard hehehe. Bye bye Dell Inspiron, I won't say you served my well or whatever, but you've been decent and did not break down that many times. You're just too freaking heavy (still wondering why I got a 17 that time) and you're waaaaay outdated. So yes you'll be locked up, possibly until a relative of mine decides to buy you for cheap and get you repaired, but honestly you're not good for anything beside web surfing and MS office. I did have a good time playing games but sorry, I want to end this era of gaming on minimum graphics setting. My junior INSISTED that I wait for the Asus laptop to be released and reviewed first before I actually make the purchase, because he doesn't quite trust Asus. I would prefer to order it now, but I'm waiting just so that I don't offend him. And this means my laptop won't arrive right after promo ends D D; D. But heck, he offered me to keep his laptop after my promo so he can study for EoY, so at at least I can still game after exams. Speaking of which....

Exams. Gah. No matter how early I start preparing for them (lots earlier every time in fact), I always find that I don't have enough time to cover everything. I must learn to pick up the pace the day I start preparing, not until the very last week, or I'll be screwed next year for A levels. Which reminds me...OMG NO NO NO i don't want to lose my scholarship. I'm actually shivering after I typed that. Getting an average of C is very much achievable and possible, but so is getting below C. I decided to invest more time on physics and math than last time, because I know well I can get A for both of them if I'm careful, and for some reason I got E for both last time...well if I get A or B for both, I think my scholarship is safe. Wew just thinking about keeping the scholarship makes me calm. Am I too paranoid At least I know now to concentrate really hard during the exam and not to get distracted or too relaxed. AND WRITE FAST TOO. However, seeing that the seating arrangement is identical to CT, I might or might not be screwed, because I'm sitting next to that certain pretty and cute girl again for physics. Oh man why do have so little resistance to pretty girls without regard whatsoever to their personality...not to say that her personality is bad but....OH, speaking of which....

Two of my friend was teasing this girl who apparently seems to have a crush on this Justin, so yea I checked my facebook to find myself tagged on two wallposts, saying that this particular girl has a crush on me (!). Then she turns out to be this Street Dance girl who also happens to be in photog that I noticed some time ago. Cute girl. I-don't-mind-dating pretty. So I was like OH SHIT WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW, WAITING FOR HER TO CONFESS OR SOMETHING

But then my friends tagged the wrong Justin.

Yes, daaaaamn anti-climax. I know. Honestly I was quite....disappointed. I don't know if this makes me a despo but really, the thought that this girl (I didn't even know who yet) has a crush on me, got me all excited. I was like, OMG WOW I could be in a relationship again after promos o.0, and I have a thing for dancer girls, never knew there'd be a day my girlfriend would be one. But then it sort of came crashing down on me lol. Good thing it was only a few minutes after the whole thing. Any more time for me to imagine stuff and have more expectations, the whole thing would have made me a little emo and lose focus on promos, which means I would lose my scholarship (FUCK NO)

This losing scholarship threat thing is becoming more real than ever. I'm scared D, someone help me pls D. I want it to remain as a threat, not coming anywhere near being a reality. If it really happens I don't think I can take it, and if the same percentage of Vietnamese scholars lose their scholarship this year as last year, there's a damn high chance I would be one of them. Ok best not to think of this too hard, must be confident must be confident must be confident must be confident.

Ok I shall go to sleep now and wake up early tomorrow and eat breakfast and do work. Intensive work. Finally found that stack of revision notes for math, gonna do them tomorrow, hopefully being able to do at least a few question for every topic. Then I'll move on to Geog. Oh no geog.....

Oh wait internet is already dead so I can't submit this post now. Gonna save it to word document or something and post it tomorrow morning.

Arghhh

OMG
Argh
I know some girls have screwed up personalities
but their faces are just wayyy too cute
*melt*
damn hormones -_-|||

wow

Apparently I caused quite a stir among my friends on facebook tonight. I feel like a minor celebrity hahaha

Controversial stuff is just too nice. I'm proud of the fact that I'm not afraid to be politically wrong

Long emo post

I missed the performance today. The thing is, I'm one of the performers.

I came down with high fever yesterday. With 6 hours of dancing, all that sweat and aircon were bound to do me some harm. I should have known better damn it.

I must say when I was first told that we were going to perform a girls' dance (and a very girly one at that, it's Gee btw...), I thought of quitting the performance, and felt very reluctant to learn the dance. But at one point in time during the rehearsals, I realized it didn't matter anymore. I just put all my heart and soul in memorizing all the steps and perfecting every little detail, simple because this is probably the only chance I ever get to perform for CJ. But in the end, just because I couldn't take care of my own health properly...

So dance rehearsals aside, all my preparations were for nothing. The breakfast I set aside for this morning so that I would be dancing with a full stomach, the CJ dancer shirt I washed, dried and ironed last night to wear for the performance...all that...

I feel so bad now. The CJ dancer shirt has always been my prized possession, something I wear with much much pride. Now I feel like I don't deserve it now. To me and everyone else at CJ, it's more than just a red shirt. It's an identity, a proud and loud "I'm from CJ!" to everyone who sees the shirt. I don't feel like I want to wear it, at least for now...

Damn. I was going to hang out with CJ people after the performance too. I was going to ask Yinah to teach me Ring Ding Dong parts too.

I don't know what I'm going to do for today since I set aside the whole of today for the performance. I feel like just stoning around in my room doing nothing. I don't have any appetite either....

Another tiring arcade day

Today after breakfast I told myself: ZOMG I WANNA DANCE I'M EXHAUSTED. Turns out I was wrong. I'M DEAD TIRED I STILL WANT TO DANCE!!! Ok jokes aside I'm really, really, really tired. I even had to take a break inside the staircase when i walked up to my room on the 4th floor. And I'm really sweaty too, like, dripping from the shirt, even after the relatively long train ride. But heck, I still want to dance T.T...I lack stamina dammit. Normally I would be this tired. It's probably because of the breaking moves I was trying out to day. doing bboy moves on arcade games is hard...probably because it's aobut freestyling all the time, and doing freezes and power moves takes some mental preparation...

Tired....

Monday and Tuesday were spent mugging for physics --> stayed up late...... And I didn't even do the test well. Not sure if I passed.....

Reached home at 11 last night. Again. NDP dance rehearsal is sucking the life out of me. Stayed at CJ from 5 till 9 and danced my life out. Getting used to performing "that" song, and it doesn't feel that weird anymore. Ok that's actually rather disturbing. But ah well, in the end it's still a dance, and if other guys can do it, so can I. It's not like everyday that I get a chance to perform for CJ, so as uncomfortable as it is to dance to to that song, I still must treasure this chance. And the performance is going to be recorded, aired on TV (highly possible) and what not. Let's hope the rumours don't spread.

Trying to get Yinah to teach me Ring Ding Dong this weekend. The choreograph is pretty fast. It looks quite cool nevertheless

People seem surprised that I'm actually into Kpop now. It's like, dammit, I'm the one who first listened to Kpop long before this whole Kpop hype started. Like, 3 years ago. I just sort of lost interest somewhere along the way and stopped listening. Now people think I'm just another one jumping in the bandwagon *facepalm*.

I'm in a financial crisis again. And I'm trying not to ask for money from mom again at least after the last time. $400 in a month...well if I minus away all the big spendings like figurines, it's not that extremely huge. Must cut down on arcade spending...

I've been eating a lot more lately. Like, for the past month or so. It's like I'm hitting another growth spurt *lolol*. Ok on a more serious note, I'm seriously eating a lot more. Breakfast is now a must. Skipping it leaves me in this horible hungry state i which I can't focus on anything. I still feel hungry after eating a normal serving of lunch at school, and still hungry after some snacks. Two servings of dining hall food now also is just enough to make me not feel hungry. And late at night I'd need some snacks too. Ok let's hope I'm really hitting another growth spurt...1m75 1m75 1m75 1m75 1m75 1m75 1m75......

Going to Marina Barrage for learning journey later and Zouk for the party. yesterday at CJ Celine sensei told us about all the horror stories at clubs. Like, all the drunking people puking, all people trying to show off and break dance in that tiny floor space (and end up looking really stupid, ofc). And of course there are also all those people who can't dance. I've been quite curious about clubbing and wanted to try it one day (especially since I'm 18 now), but upon hearing those stories, I just lost interest lol. Now I even feel it's a good thing the school booked the whole Zouk hall xD. I feel a little sad that there probably won't be alcoholic drinks though. Underage people sigh xD

And I'm feeling this way again

You know, the butterfly in your stomach kind of feeling. That feeling you get when you really miss someone

Except that it's for a song that I itches to listen too @.@....good vocals, good instrumentals, nice classical guitar solo...just MY kind of song. This is damn stupid but I think I'm having a crush on a song (?!?!?!?!?!) Someone whack me on the head pls......

Again with this older girl thing. I have no idea why, but almost all of my crushes are older than me. WHY? It's not like I have an older girl complex, but things somehow always happen this way. Maybe it's just because I hang out with older girls more than younger girls? Yeah let's just leave it that way. Makes the mind feel at ease... Oh wait I still haven't talked about what I've wanted to talk about. Yeah that's right, hot girls at my dance class *whistles*. I feel glad I like dancing cos dancer girls are just so hot o.0 (well not all, but many). Time to mingle around and make new friends hur hur hur hur. Oh shit I realized I sound like a pervert. But hey I'm a healthy growing young man, it's normal to be interested in girls, especially the good-looking ones. I'm not being superficial, it's just coded in the genes :D. (yay perfect excuse xD, works every time)

Physics lecture test on Wednesday. I think I might be majorly screwed. I like physics (hello, I'm like, the physics rep -_-|||), but somehow I just happen to do badly for physics tests. Must be the karma argh. But heck, I'm still aiming for an A, so I'll spend tomorrow's evening on nothing but physics. There's PW written report draft to be done, but screw it xD.

Random things again

So my CT scores were BCEES instead of BCDES. Damn, just 1% more and I wouldn't have had to go for physics remedial urgh. 1.5 hours gone every week, and on friday too arghhhh.

I need to manage my spendings properly. I'm trying to set a spending limit for myself, but honestly, I don't think it's gonna work well, knowing myself.

I'm getting to perform for NDP yay.......or so I thought. Today I found it's a girl's dance....with lots of hip shaking and act cute moves and what not *facepalm*. And I'm still going to perform *more facepalm*. Learned the whole dance in 2 hours, which was pretty incredible I must say, considering it's a high tempo song, and I got through the whole freaking song. I must sort of admit it was fun and a good change from the usual bboy and hip hop routines, but this is "a little" too much. It was ok, until I practiced in the studio, in front of the mirror. The sight of myself doing that dance was...highly disturbing, to say the least. I shall not post the song's name here since it's pretty well known, and to safeguard myself from people's potentially dangerous imagination. And you there, the fact that's I'm writing this here means I trust that you won't tell a single soul about this, whether in school, boarding, or anywhere else. Yes I'm looking at YOU....argh *even more facepalm*. Ah well, but it seems that every goddamn cloud as silver linings (or so it seems). I'm not the only guy performing, and heck, I get to perform 70-ish girls from my dance school (I swear I didn't know my dance school had that many people seriously). Met some cute girls during practice today, and possibly during the mass practice tomorrow too. Let's hope this tremendous sacrifice, in the form of embarrassment, is not wasted. Sigh. I watched this movie about these two guys who became cheerleaders to attend a cheerleader camp (with lots of cheerleaders, duh), and it puts me at ease, somewhat. Somewhat........ Wow I suddenly feel damn happy I haven't told mom about this, since she's going to ask for a video of my performance or sth....I can't even stand the idea....

Ok no more on that traumatic experience. Arcade life's been good lately. I think my freestyle dancing skill on Pump has improved, like, a lot. Because I've been gathering crowds more often these days, especially when I'm in the mood and put lots of energy into my dance moves.

I feel the need to play the guitar, or rather, guitars. Both of them have been sitting in the case for too long. I feel my fingers losing its speed and flexibility.

I want to type more but I'm tired. Let's just call it a day. I've got a long rehearsal tomorrow. Yay more hip shaking -_-|||||........

Photo competition!!!

My blog only has, what, 4 followers so I doubt this would be useful but....

I entered this photo competition on facebook and the photo with the most number of likes wins, so I'll need all the help I can get for me to win xD. Anyway, if you feel like being nice to me right now xD, please go to the link below, click like for Downtown East's facebook page, then click like for the photo I submitted :), thanks a lot for the help ^^, I really appreciate it :)

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=4595135&o=all&op=1&view=all&subj=33835448881&aid=-1&id=659126963

Sometimes how people call you can make you happy

"dummy!!"

*melts*

No late-night chat for me today

And I'm missing her like crazy

It's 2am and I'm bored

I thought picking up the DSLR was one of my best decisions ever. Then it lead to another one of those "best decision ever": going for a model photo shoot. Now I'm gonna list all the benefits I got from it.

First, the pretty models at the shoot. Yea I know I sound damn shallow and superficial and whatever, but heck, I'm a healthy growing young man, and I'm attracted to pretty girls, just like the rest of the guys are. I just choose to (shamelessly, according to some people) say it out loud, while the rest act all cool and nonchalant about it. Tch.

Second, something more serious. I got to work with professional models and photographers, and I think as an amateur photographer, I benefited a hell lot from it. Lighting, angles, composition, etc. And it doesn't stop at benefiting from the shoot itself. After posting the photos on the net and received serious critiques, I learned that I have tons of space for improvement, as well as realized a lot of flaws in my photos that I never noticed before. Lessons learned: hot models distracts inexperienced people from noticing (at times, obvious) flaws in composition.

Third, I got a new nice friend. One of the models from the shoot actually. I think I feel more comfortable shooting her because (I think) she was the only model younger than me. She was very fun also, and she insisted that we talk throughout the shoot to keep her relaxed. That actually made everyone else relaxed as well.

Ok moving on from the photo shoot, this point is related to the one above. I've realised for the n-th time that I have little resistance for girls. Ok, skipping straight to the point, I got a crush on my new friend. It sounds rather typical and (again) shallow and superficial to have a crush on models, who are obviously very physically attractive. But I honestly feel that I have feelings for her personalities rather than her looks. She's cheerful and youthful and fun, and that's so totally my type. Ok just kidding, I don't have a "my type of girl". I think it's because she's friendly and she actually listens to what I have to say (i'm sick of all the girls who seem really nice but ignore you afterwards). I've known her for, like, a week, but I think I got a crush on her only the day before yesterday, from that time we stayed up till 4 to chat. Then I've been missing her like hell yesterday and today, because she couldn't go online. Ah well, let's see how long this new crush of mine will last, because I have a feeling it'll last pretty damn long, with her being so nice to me.

Another thing I've wanted to talk to someone (irl or through chat) is how my friends view my work. Sure the models are hot, but they're talking as if I'm taking photos for perverted purposes. Like "show me the sluttiest one", that shows no fucking respect at all, and i'm just damn annoyed.

Oh hey I just finished downloading Durarara episode 22, time to watch xD

What I never expected

So I kind of didn't make it in photog exco. And I took this surprisingly well. Didn't really feel that sad, more like relieved since I was really worried I wouldn't be able to handle my studies and lose my scholarship as a result. But of course I'm not happy, just that I'm not that sad. The only thing I feel bad about right now is how I'm gonna tell my mom. I think I gave a little too much false hope, and whenever I think about the way she talked to me over the phone about how happy and proud she would feel if I were photog chairman, I just can't help but feel disappointed about myself in her place. She always told me she wanted me to achieve something she could be proud of, but I never did. Receiving a scholarship to study in Singapore is one thing, but whenever people asked her how I'm doing over here, she doesn't have anything she's proud of to say. My grades were always mediocre. Ok that was an understatement. I consistently had the lowest grades in class, I spend money like it's nothing, I never pick up her calls, I never got near the GPA 3.6 mark, etc. The one thing I've been striving towards so hard all these years were to to have her tell me she's proud of me, but I never achieved anything. If not giving up after failing is the key to success, how many more failures is it going to take?

Back to the main point, maybe I was just too hopeful, maybe I never had much of chance of being in the exco in the first place. Come to think of it, now I understand why people reacted the way they did when I asked them about this whole exco thing. Zhao Yang never replied to my message, Florence didn't show any sign of being worried (like I'm was so expecting her to), the way the few other people were awkward when i asked them. They all knew I wasn't in exco, but they weren't cruel enough to kill my hope. At least this probably won't haunt me for a very long time, unlike street dance audition, which still kills me every time I think about it. My hopes, pride and self-esteem have been shattered too many a time. I don't know how many times more I can rebuild them. That said, CJ dance crew audition results should come out in a week or two, and I don't know if I can hold myself together against two failures in such a short time.

I suddenly can't help but think of how bad of a son I am. I never seriously thought about this before. I knew I'm not the kind of son parents would happily show off to other people, but now I'm realizing how horrible I am. I just did some simply math, and I realized I've spent around $6000 of my parents' money this year. All on "necessities" and other useless stuffs. Did I ever do anything to really deserve all this? I don't think so. And oh yea I remember I just asked for another $500 last weekend. I'm finally having to come to terms with the fact that I'm a spoiled kid. I've always hated spoiled kids, and I still do. But now I'm one of them

All of these are proving to be too much. I know a guy's not supposed to say this, but I wish I could just break down and cry to let it all out

Love-hate relationship

I hate RJ Streets because I failed their audition (not their fault that I didn't make it, but oh well...). But I love them for being so awesome. Every time I watch their performances, I'm like "ZOMG so cool", and like them even more. And hate them even more for not accepting me. The same thing happened today at DanceWorks. Best RJStreets performance I've ever seen. I love RJStreets. I hate them just as much.

Fascinations

Suddenly I feel damn silly and delusional haha. Waited for her to go online to have a chat, tried so hard to add on IM. In the end it was for nothing. She did come online, just didn't talk to me. Ah well, forget it, I'm looking forward to dance class tomorrow

Reflection on myself, for myself

Skip this entry unless...oh well whatever. I don't really care. Be prepared for vulgar stuffs as I'm going all-out and not doing self-censorship in anyway this entry

Just wtf is wrong with me. After 2 years in an all-boy environment, I had anticipated I would go sort of "wild" in a co-ed school, with female OGmates, classmates, CCA-mates, and even school-mates. But seriously, now I feel fucked up. Friends have been telling I'm being damn creepy and stalker-ish. I've been brushing it away as a joke and stuffs, and saying I've always been the type to feel more attracted to girls than most guys do. But honestly, I feel the same way as my friends. I feel like a fucking stalker. And even enjoyed it. Shamefully. I don't get what I'm doing anymore. Showing off to friends that I borrowed this "ideal-for-stalking" camera lens? That's fucked up. The last feek weeks, I've been spending my free time stalking girls on FB and almost even bookmarked their photos. And I was almost proud of it and even bragged about it to friends. I must be damn creepy, because even I myself get scared. Shit. I feel like a loser too. Went to DF, nearly eagerly looking out for girls I usually stalk, wondering how they would have looked in their non-uniform clothings. Tried so hard to get a good seat during lectures, good seat meaning one with uninterrupted views of the girls I was stalking. Same for meals at canteen. Maybe I should stop writing out all the stalking I've done. I'm feeling more disgusted of myself than enough already. Fuck.... Right now I hate myself. And feel disgusted. And scared. And worst of all, I can't run away from myself.......

CNY + stuffs

Dunno why but I suddenly feel like blogging again xD.
So it's CNY. Combined with the weekend there were 4 days of holiday. Nowhere near being long enough to feel the festive mood, but still a decent break on it's own, maybe except the the fact most shops were closed -_-|||.
I think I'm enjoying my jc life. It has been awesome. At least until right now, when all the mugging hasn't set in yet. Co-ed environment is awesome, and more refreshing then I had initially thought. It's more than just the fact that there are girls again, there's this whole new lively vibe about it. You meet and get to know a lot of people in unexpected ways too.
Take5 was pwnage. I mean, how can having the whole school partying at the beach not be awesome? Pretty girls in translucent super short shorts and all. Ok I didn't just say that xD. Being a photog was awesome too. I wasn't officially covering the op or anything, but having an excuse to be able to take photos of anything and everything (including the people nyahaha)was cool xD. It's simply just nice when you see a pretty stranger, point your camera at her, and she'll just smile and pose for you :D.
Had first Jap club session today :D. Origami and yukata are nothing unfamiliar to me, but it was fun nevertheless. And I happened to be assigned photog position too. How I love being in photog xD. I'm bringing my hakama and keiko-gi for them on the next session too. Damn I wish I still had my old bokken. Thin and impractical for just about everything, but wonderful as a display piece and for taking photos...Accursed people who lost it...
Saved the best for the last haha. Tricia (or was it her parents? Or both :P?) invited me over for CNY dinner :D. It was like, so extremely shocking when she invited me xD. I actually pinched my cheek to check if I were dreaming xD, because it was simply too good to be true :D. I expected sth like a dinner with Yu Sheng, but it was steampot :D, which was even more awesome xD. I like people who break away from traditions hur hur. I went into Tricia's room yay xD (I realized that sounded kind of creepy...). It's nice and comfy and AIR-CONDED. Manga and posters and plushies all over the place :D. Ah...a girl's room xD. That said, I've always wanted my own room. Ever since, like, primary school. I hope I get one when my house is demolished and the new awesome high-rise one is built over it. That plan has been delayed, like, 3 years...damn... Anyway back to the main point, it was my first time being invited to sth like that and I felt so special and awesome. Btw it's nothing like ra mắt bố mẹ vợ ok Ha My Nguyen -_-||||, we're not even dating (yet xD xD xD, hopefully). Her parents and uncle and auntie and cousins were nice and hyper too xD. There were no more than 10 people but I could swear it was the loudest party ever xD, and the adults were laughing louder some more... I got to spent some time alone with Tricia in her room haha :), we just talked about random stuff. I'm missing that so much D:. And I miss her too. Should have seen and bought that blue rose for her D:. I actually went back home at pretty damn late. 11pm. So Tricia and her dad gave me a ride home :D. Yayay :D. They're awesome people, even gave me lucky money woo hoo. I feel bad I accidentally dropped it on the floor without knowing. Hope they didn't get a bad impression of me from that. Maybe I'm just worrying too much. I probably won't be able to hang out much with her this year since she's busy with A-lvl stuffs. Better not disturb her too much also. Haiz. Hope she'll be free in uni hehe. Just that I would be busy in j2 then @.@, maybe waiting another year won't hurt...hope it's not too late by then xD.
Ah well, I'm tired. MT house party tomorrow. Looking forward to it so much. Go Jean Hui :D.