What I never expected

So I kind of didn't make it in photog exco. And I took this surprisingly well. Didn't really feel that sad, more like relieved since I was really worried I wouldn't be able to handle my studies and lose my scholarship as a result. But of course I'm not happy, just that I'm not that sad. The only thing I feel bad about right now is how I'm gonna tell my mom. I think I gave a little too much false hope, and whenever I think about the way she talked to me over the phone about how happy and proud she would feel if I were photog chairman, I just can't help but feel disappointed about myself in her place. She always told me she wanted me to achieve something she could be proud of, but I never did. Receiving a scholarship to study in Singapore is one thing, but whenever people asked her how I'm doing over here, she doesn't have anything she's proud of to say. My grades were always mediocre. Ok that was an understatement. I consistently had the lowest grades in class, I spend money like it's nothing, I never pick up her calls, I never got near the GPA 3.6 mark, etc. The one thing I've been striving towards so hard all these years were to to have her tell me she's proud of me, but I never achieved anything. If not giving up after failing is the key to success, how many more failures is it going to take?

Back to the main point, maybe I was just too hopeful, maybe I never had much of chance of being in the exco in the first place. Come to think of it, now I understand why people reacted the way they did when I asked them about this whole exco thing. Zhao Yang never replied to my message, Florence didn't show any sign of being worried (like I'm was so expecting her to), the way the few other people were awkward when i asked them. They all knew I wasn't in exco, but they weren't cruel enough to kill my hope. At least this probably won't haunt me for a very long time, unlike street dance audition, which still kills me every time I think about it. My hopes, pride and self-esteem have been shattered too many a time. I don't know how many times more I can rebuild them. That said, CJ dance crew audition results should come out in a week or two, and I don't know if I can hold myself together against two failures in such a short time.

I suddenly can't help but think of how bad of a son I am. I never seriously thought about this before. I knew I'm not the kind of son parents would happily show off to other people, but now I'm realizing how horrible I am. I just did some simply math, and I realized I've spent around $6000 of my parents' money this year. All on "necessities" and other useless stuffs. Did I ever do anything to really deserve all this? I don't think so. And oh yea I remember I just asked for another $500 last weekend. I'm finally having to come to terms with the fact that I'm a spoiled kid. I've always hated spoiled kids, and I still do. But now I'm one of them

All of these are proving to be too much. I know a guy's not supposed to say this, but I wish I could just break down and cry to let it all out