What I never expected

So I kind of didn't make it in photog exco. And I took this surprisingly well. Didn't really feel that sad, more like relieved since I was really worried I wouldn't be able to handle my studies and lose my scholarship as a result. But of course I'm not happy, just that I'm not that sad. The only thing I feel bad about right now is how I'm gonna tell my mom. I think I gave a little too much false hope, and whenever I think about the way she talked to me over the phone about how happy and proud she would feel if I were photog chairman, I just can't help but feel disappointed about myself in her place. She always told me she wanted me to achieve something she could be proud of, but I never did. Receiving a scholarship to study in Singapore is one thing, but whenever people asked her how I'm doing over here, she doesn't have anything she's proud of to say. My grades were always mediocre. Ok that was an understatement. I consistently had the lowest grades in class, I spend money like it's nothing, I never pick up her calls, I never got near the GPA 3.6 mark, etc. The one thing I've been striving towards so hard all these years were to to have her tell me she's proud of me, but I never achieved anything. If not giving up after failing is the key to success, how many more failures is it going to take?

Back to the main point, maybe I was just too hopeful, maybe I never had much of chance of being in the exco in the first place. Come to think of it, now I understand why people reacted the way they did when I asked them about this whole exco thing. Zhao Yang never replied to my message, Florence didn't show any sign of being worried (like I'm was so expecting her to), the way the few other people were awkward when i asked them. They all knew I wasn't in exco, but they weren't cruel enough to kill my hope. At least this probably won't haunt me for a very long time, unlike street dance audition, which still kills me every time I think about it. My hopes, pride and self-esteem have been shattered too many a time. I don't know how many times more I can rebuild them. That said, CJ dance crew audition results should come out in a week or two, and I don't know if I can hold myself together against two failures in such a short time.

I suddenly can't help but think of how bad of a son I am. I never seriously thought about this before. I knew I'm not the kind of son parents would happily show off to other people, but now I'm realizing how horrible I am. I just did some simply math, and I realized I've spent around $6000 of my parents' money this year. All on "necessities" and other useless stuffs. Did I ever do anything to really deserve all this? I don't think so. And oh yea I remember I just asked for another $500 last weekend. I'm finally having to come to terms with the fact that I'm a spoiled kid. I've always hated spoiled kids, and I still do. But now I'm one of them

All of these are proving to be too much. I know a guy's not supposed to say this, but I wish I could just break down and cry to let it all out

Love-hate relationship

I hate RJ Streets because I failed their audition (not their fault that I didn't make it, but oh well...). But I love them for being so awesome. Every time I watch their performances, I'm like "ZOMG so cool", and like them even more. And hate them even more for not accepting me. The same thing happened today at DanceWorks. Best RJStreets performance I've ever seen. I love RJStreets. I hate them just as much.

Fascinations

Suddenly I feel damn silly and delusional haha. Waited for her to go online to have a chat, tried so hard to add on IM. In the end it was for nothing. She did come online, just didn't talk to me. Ah well, forget it, I'm looking forward to dance class tomorrow

Reflection on myself, for myself

Skip this entry unless...oh well whatever. I don't really care. Be prepared for vulgar stuffs as I'm going all-out and not doing self-censorship in anyway this entry

Just wtf is wrong with me. After 2 years in an all-boy environment, I had anticipated I would go sort of "wild" in a co-ed school, with female OGmates, classmates, CCA-mates, and even school-mates. But seriously, now I feel fucked up. Friends have been telling I'm being damn creepy and stalker-ish. I've been brushing it away as a joke and stuffs, and saying I've always been the type to feel more attracted to girls than most guys do. But honestly, I feel the same way as my friends. I feel like a fucking stalker. And even enjoyed it. Shamefully. I don't get what I'm doing anymore. Showing off to friends that I borrowed this "ideal-for-stalking" camera lens? That's fucked up. The last feek weeks, I've been spending my free time stalking girls on FB and almost even bookmarked their photos. And I was almost proud of it and even bragged about it to friends. I must be damn creepy, because even I myself get scared. Shit. I feel like a loser too. Went to DF, nearly eagerly looking out for girls I usually stalk, wondering how they would have looked in their non-uniform clothings. Tried so hard to get a good seat during lectures, good seat meaning one with uninterrupted views of the girls I was stalking. Same for meals at canteen. Maybe I should stop writing out all the stalking I've done. I'm feeling more disgusted of myself than enough already. Fuck.... Right now I hate myself. And feel disgusted. And scared. And worst of all, I can't run away from myself.......

CNY + stuffs

Dunno why but I suddenly feel like blogging again xD.
So it's CNY. Combined with the weekend there were 4 days of holiday. Nowhere near being long enough to feel the festive mood, but still a decent break on it's own, maybe except the the fact most shops were closed -_-|||.
I think I'm enjoying my jc life. It has been awesome. At least until right now, when all the mugging hasn't set in yet. Co-ed environment is awesome, and more refreshing then I had initially thought. It's more than just the fact that there are girls again, there's this whole new lively vibe about it. You meet and get to know a lot of people in unexpected ways too.
Take5 was pwnage. I mean, how can having the whole school partying at the beach not be awesome? Pretty girls in translucent super short shorts and all. Ok I didn't just say that xD. Being a photog was awesome too. I wasn't officially covering the op or anything, but having an excuse to be able to take photos of anything and everything (including the people nyahaha)was cool xD. It's simply just nice when you see a pretty stranger, point your camera at her, and she'll just smile and pose for you :D.
Had first Jap club session today :D. Origami and yukata are nothing unfamiliar to me, but it was fun nevertheless. And I happened to be assigned photog position too. How I love being in photog xD. I'm bringing my hakama and keiko-gi for them on the next session too. Damn I wish I still had my old bokken. Thin and impractical for just about everything, but wonderful as a display piece and for taking photos...Accursed people who lost it...
Saved the best for the last haha. Tricia (or was it her parents? Or both :P?) invited me over for CNY dinner :D. It was like, so extremely shocking when she invited me xD. I actually pinched my cheek to check if I were dreaming xD, because it was simply too good to be true :D. I expected sth like a dinner with Yu Sheng, but it was steampot :D, which was even more awesome xD. I like people who break away from traditions hur hur. I went into Tricia's room yay xD (I realized that sounded kind of creepy...). It's nice and comfy and AIR-CONDED. Manga and posters and plushies all over the place :D. Ah...a girl's room xD. That said, I've always wanted my own room. Ever since, like, primary school. I hope I get one when my house is demolished and the new awesome high-rise one is built over it. That plan has been delayed, like, 3 years...damn... Anyway back to the main point, it was my first time being invited to sth like that and I felt so special and awesome. Btw it's nothing like ra mắt bố mẹ vợ ok Ha My Nguyen -_-||||, we're not even dating (yet xD xD xD, hopefully). Her parents and uncle and auntie and cousins were nice and hyper too xD. There were no more than 10 people but I could swear it was the loudest party ever xD, and the adults were laughing louder some more... I got to spent some time alone with Tricia in her room haha :), we just talked about random stuff. I'm missing that so much D:. And I miss her too. Should have seen and bought that blue rose for her D:. I actually went back home at pretty damn late. 11pm. So Tricia and her dad gave me a ride home :D. Yayay :D. They're awesome people, even gave me lucky money woo hoo. I feel bad I accidentally dropped it on the floor without knowing. Hope they didn't get a bad impression of me from that. Maybe I'm just worrying too much. I probably won't be able to hang out much with her this year since she's busy with A-lvl stuffs. Better not disturb her too much also. Haiz. Hope she'll be free in uni hehe. Just that I would be busy in j2 then @.@, maybe waiting another year won't hurt...hope it's not too late by then xD.
Ah well, I'm tired. MT house party tomorrow. Looking forward to it so much. Go Jean Hui :D.

Long long post.....

*Clear throat* Ok anyway I'm back. Sorry I didn't update you guys on anything (not that THAT much has happened actually), especially people who were nice enough to wait for updates from me.
Anyway,
Meeting her on Halloween was fun . At first when I got there it was raining like crap, like really really badly. So she sms-ed me and told me her mom didn't want her to go because it was raining. And she told me she dressed up a bit for it too . I hanged around there anyway and a while later (like a hour or so), she told me if the rain would die down later she would still go there, in casual clothings though. And by then it would have been past dinner time (which means I wouldn't be able to have dinner with her). So she arrived later (in casual clothes but still looked so pretty) and met up with me and some of her friends. We talked a lot while walking, and I was sharing an umbrella with her yay (later she told me she brought her own though, good thing I brought out mine quite fast?). Then after chatting with her friends for a while it turned out she hadn't had dinner (it was around 8:20-8:30 pm) and so because I hadn't had dinner either we decided to get dinner, just the two of us while her friends were trying to get her a birthday present out of that UFO catcher machines in the arcade. We went to this cafe I know and like (Shokudo - Japanese Coffee House, really nice place ,good modern Japanese food). We talked but not that much over the meal and there were awkward moments here and there (It was hard not to look at her, sitting right opposite her xD). After the meal it was somewhere around 9:30 and she asked if I wanted to go to Kinokunya (she seems to hang out a lot there) with her but my curfew was at 10pm so I couldn't go with her, sadly (for those who are screaming "no you spineless NOOB", I live in a hostel where the rules are extremely strict and the penalties are severe, especially for coming home late, that and I'm not exactly the type who always follow rules either). I was cursing myself for not having seen that one coming and asked for a permission to come home late before hand. Argh.
**Question**: When we ate there she only ordered a desert (pancakes) and drink so I was wondering if it was a bad idea to bring her there (the food wasn't cheap, a typical meal there costs around $20-$25, however I told her about this way before that and she said she didn't have a problem with it), when I asked her about it she said she had lunch at 3 so she wasn't very hungry. And she didn't finish the pancakes either, even though it was quite good (she praised it and offered me to taste, and it was good alright lol). When we had already gone home I I asked her what she was going to wear there, but she just told me I would know the next time we were going to meet (which is AFA, an event, but it didn't turn out to be the next time we were going to meet haha)

Ok that was...long o.o. Prepare for another round...

There was this anime movie released in Singapore some time ago called Eva 2.0 (which is FYI, an movie that all otaku, or anime lovers, must watch). So I asked her if she wanted to watch, to which she agreed. We planned the time several days before as she was quite busy. I confirmed the screentime of the movie and bought the tickets the day before. There were couple seats too but I just bought the normal ones yea xD. Then she asked me when I wanted to meet and I told her a timing not long right before the movie, around 2:40, to which she replied (I'm gonna quotethe whole sms, I'll explain it later) :"Ok. After lunch? I end pretty early, so I guess I can go kino haha". We met at Kinokunya later, and she was with a friend. We talked for a few mins, and she and her friend said goodbye after we left Kinokunya and went to the theater. We were very early (like at least 40 mins) so we sat down and chatted all the way till the movie (and might have even been late for it if I hadn't noticed the time on my watch). I talked more than I should during the movie (bad habit of mine), and she didn't say anything during the movie, except the trailers and replying to what I said. She needed to go home for dinner (as she told me before we met that day) so we parted way.
**Question** I don't know if she was suggesting to have lunch together when I told her when we were to meet, that's why I quoted the whole sms there

Okay, the latest update, which was today! Oh wait it's early in the morning so yesterday!!!

It was AFA (Anime Fest Asia). I hanged out with her and a few friends of her whom I know and who know me xD. Nothing much to talk about actually, we went around and looked at lots of stuffs and loled at lots of stuffs, took photos, joked around, etc. She bought a tshirt and so did I (not the same shirt, the shirt she bought was the last one of the design actually). She were gothic clothings (the one she told me she would be wearing after Halloween) which was SO INCREDIBLY PRETTY AND CUTE AAAA (sorry I just had to capitalize them). And it was my first time seeing her in a skirt and without specs, I never thought of her as an extremely chio girl (no I'm not the the-girl-i-like-is-the-prettiest-one-in-the-world type) but she looked really pretty today , from an objective viewpoint. Someone even thought she was cosplaying and asked to take a picture xD. Ok I talked too much about her. Calm down. She bought this cat ear hat thingy with two tails on the side which was so cuuute. My face nearly turned red when she put it on. Ok sorry I'm talking about how INCREDIBLY PRETTY AND CUTE she was again. *clear throat*. We had dinner at Pepper Lunch. When we went back, after we said goodbye and headed separate for a few seconds, she turned back and said "See you tomorrow". That said, she always says "See you " . I'm meeting her again tomorrow, I mean at around noon today, and this would (sadly ) be my last time meeting her until next year as I won't be in Singapore then until mid-January 2010, starting next Monday . After we went back we started sms-ing as usual, with me starting the conversation. I complimented on her clothes and told her she looked INCREDIBLY PRETTY AND CUTE (ok without the incredibly). She just "haha thanks" and said she would wear another one the next day (which got me high for a while). I asked her if it was one of the two gothic dresses I saw on her blog some time ago (she blogged about buying two gothic dresses overseas, might not be the only gothic clothings she have though) and her reply was "Lolol.Tomorrow." (was she teasing me or something xD?). That reminds me, way back in Halloween, before that, she told me wanted to wear gothic clothings to Halloween but was too lazy and had no time to learn to do gothic make-up. She did have some very light and simple make-up , which was good, because heavy make-up really scares me haha.

So that's how it is. Might be another one today or tomorrow as I'm meeting her again soon . A note here, I tried to include every single little detail that I remember from each time we meet, even if I think it's not important, because guys like me might often overlook such things and not notice subtle hints and stuffs, so I'm not implying in anything I say, so don't read too deeply into it.

Warm and fuzzy

Went for the movie today. Before, during and after all that, I had such familiar feelings. I remember they are called joy, love, and missing.

And I want you to feel warm and fuzzy around me too