No late-night chat for me today

And I'm missing her like crazy

It's 2am and I'm bored

I thought picking up the DSLR was one of my best decisions ever. Then it lead to another one of those "best decision ever": going for a model photo shoot. Now I'm gonna list all the benefits I got from it.

First, the pretty models at the shoot. Yea I know I sound damn shallow and superficial and whatever, but heck, I'm a healthy growing young man, and I'm attracted to pretty girls, just like the rest of the guys are. I just choose to (shamelessly, according to some people) say it out loud, while the rest act all cool and nonchalant about it. Tch.

Second, something more serious. I got to work with professional models and photographers, and I think as an amateur photographer, I benefited a hell lot from it. Lighting, angles, composition, etc. And it doesn't stop at benefiting from the shoot itself. After posting the photos on the net and received serious critiques, I learned that I have tons of space for improvement, as well as realized a lot of flaws in my photos that I never noticed before. Lessons learned: hot models distracts inexperienced people from noticing (at times, obvious) flaws in composition.

Third, I got a new nice friend. One of the models from the shoot actually. I think I feel more comfortable shooting her because (I think) she was the only model younger than me. She was very fun also, and she insisted that we talk throughout the shoot to keep her relaxed. That actually made everyone else relaxed as well.

Ok moving on from the photo shoot, this point is related to the one above. I've realised for the n-th time that I have little resistance for girls. Ok, skipping straight to the point, I got a crush on my new friend. It sounds rather typical and (again) shallow and superficial to have a crush on models, who are obviously very physically attractive. But I honestly feel that I have feelings for her personalities rather than her looks. She's cheerful and youthful and fun, and that's so totally my type. Ok just kidding, I don't have a "my type of girl". I think it's because she's friendly and she actually listens to what I have to say (i'm sick of all the girls who seem really nice but ignore you afterwards). I've known her for, like, a week, but I think I got a crush on her only the day before yesterday, from that time we stayed up till 4 to chat. Then I've been missing her like hell yesterday and today, because she couldn't go online. Ah well, let's see how long this new crush of mine will last, because I have a feeling it'll last pretty damn long, with her being so nice to me.

Another thing I've wanted to talk to someone (irl or through chat) is how my friends view my work. Sure the models are hot, but they're talking as if I'm taking photos for perverted purposes. Like "show me the sluttiest one", that shows no fucking respect at all, and i'm just damn annoyed.

Oh hey I just finished downloading Durarara episode 22, time to watch xD

What I never expected

So I kind of didn't make it in photog exco. And I took this surprisingly well. Didn't really feel that sad, more like relieved since I was really worried I wouldn't be able to handle my studies and lose my scholarship as a result. But of course I'm not happy, just that I'm not that sad. The only thing I feel bad about right now is how I'm gonna tell my mom. I think I gave a little too much false hope, and whenever I think about the way she talked to me over the phone about how happy and proud she would feel if I were photog chairman, I just can't help but feel disappointed about myself in her place. She always told me she wanted me to achieve something she could be proud of, but I never did. Receiving a scholarship to study in Singapore is one thing, but whenever people asked her how I'm doing over here, she doesn't have anything she's proud of to say. My grades were always mediocre. Ok that was an understatement. I consistently had the lowest grades in class, I spend money like it's nothing, I never pick up her calls, I never got near the GPA 3.6 mark, etc. The one thing I've been striving towards so hard all these years were to to have her tell me she's proud of me, but I never achieved anything. If not giving up after failing is the key to success, how many more failures is it going to take?

Back to the main point, maybe I was just too hopeful, maybe I never had much of chance of being in the exco in the first place. Come to think of it, now I understand why people reacted the way they did when I asked them about this whole exco thing. Zhao Yang never replied to my message, Florence didn't show any sign of being worried (like I'm was so expecting her to), the way the few other people were awkward when i asked them. They all knew I wasn't in exco, but they weren't cruel enough to kill my hope. At least this probably won't haunt me for a very long time, unlike street dance audition, which still kills me every time I think about it. My hopes, pride and self-esteem have been shattered too many a time. I don't know how many times more I can rebuild them. That said, CJ dance crew audition results should come out in a week or two, and I don't know if I can hold myself together against two failures in such a short time.

I suddenly can't help but think of how bad of a son I am. I never seriously thought about this before. I knew I'm not the kind of son parents would happily show off to other people, but now I'm realizing how horrible I am. I just did some simply math, and I realized I've spent around $6000 of my parents' money this year. All on "necessities" and other useless stuffs. Did I ever do anything to really deserve all this? I don't think so. And oh yea I remember I just asked for another $500 last weekend. I'm finally having to come to terms with the fact that I'm a spoiled kid. I've always hated spoiled kids, and I still do. But now I'm one of them

All of these are proving to be too much. I know a guy's not supposed to say this, but I wish I could just break down and cry to let it all out

Love-hate relationship

I hate RJ Streets because I failed their audition (not their fault that I didn't make it, but oh well...). But I love them for being so awesome. Every time I watch their performances, I'm like "ZOMG so cool", and like them even more. And hate them even more for not accepting me. The same thing happened today at DanceWorks. Best RJStreets performance I've ever seen. I love RJStreets. I hate them just as much.

Fascinations

Suddenly I feel damn silly and delusional haha. Waited for her to go online to have a chat, tried so hard to add on IM. In the end it was for nothing. She did come online, just didn't talk to me. Ah well, forget it, I'm looking forward to dance class tomorrow

Reflection on myself, for myself

Skip this entry unless...oh well whatever. I don't really care. Be prepared for vulgar stuffs as I'm going all-out and not doing self-censorship in anyway this entry

Just wtf is wrong with me. After 2 years in an all-boy environment, I had anticipated I would go sort of "wild" in a co-ed school, with female OGmates, classmates, CCA-mates, and even school-mates. But seriously, now I feel fucked up. Friends have been telling I'm being damn creepy and stalker-ish. I've been brushing it away as a joke and stuffs, and saying I've always been the type to feel more attracted to girls than most guys do. But honestly, I feel the same way as my friends. I feel like a fucking stalker. And even enjoyed it. Shamefully. I don't get what I'm doing anymore. Showing off to friends that I borrowed this "ideal-for-stalking" camera lens? That's fucked up. The last feek weeks, I've been spending my free time stalking girls on FB and almost even bookmarked their photos. And I was almost proud of it and even bragged about it to friends. I must be damn creepy, because even I myself get scared. Shit. I feel like a loser too. Went to DF, nearly eagerly looking out for girls I usually stalk, wondering how they would have looked in their non-uniform clothings. Tried so hard to get a good seat during lectures, good seat meaning one with uninterrupted views of the girls I was stalking. Same for meals at canteen. Maybe I should stop writing out all the stalking I've done. I'm feeling more disgusted of myself than enough already. Fuck.... Right now I hate myself. And feel disgusted. And scared. And worst of all, I can't run away from myself.......

CNY + stuffs

Dunno why but I suddenly feel like blogging again xD.
So it's CNY. Combined with the weekend there were 4 days of holiday. Nowhere near being long enough to feel the festive mood, but still a decent break on it's own, maybe except the the fact most shops were closed -_-|||.
I think I'm enjoying my jc life. It has been awesome. At least until right now, when all the mugging hasn't set in yet. Co-ed environment is awesome, and more refreshing then I had initially thought. It's more than just the fact that there are girls again, there's this whole new lively vibe about it. You meet and get to know a lot of people in unexpected ways too.
Take5 was pwnage. I mean, how can having the whole school partying at the beach not be awesome? Pretty girls in translucent super short shorts and all. Ok I didn't just say that xD. Being a photog was awesome too. I wasn't officially covering the op or anything, but having an excuse to be able to take photos of anything and everything (including the people nyahaha)was cool xD. It's simply just nice when you see a pretty stranger, point your camera at her, and she'll just smile and pose for you :D.
Had first Jap club session today :D. Origami and yukata are nothing unfamiliar to me, but it was fun nevertheless. And I happened to be assigned photog position too. How I love being in photog xD. I'm bringing my hakama and keiko-gi for them on the next session too. Damn I wish I still had my old bokken. Thin and impractical for just about everything, but wonderful as a display piece and for taking photos...Accursed people who lost it...
Saved the best for the last haha. Tricia (or was it her parents? Or both :P?) invited me over for CNY dinner :D. It was like, so extremely shocking when she invited me xD. I actually pinched my cheek to check if I were dreaming xD, because it was simply too good to be true :D. I expected sth like a dinner with Yu Sheng, but it was steampot :D, which was even more awesome xD. I like people who break away from traditions hur hur. I went into Tricia's room yay xD (I realized that sounded kind of creepy...). It's nice and comfy and AIR-CONDED. Manga and posters and plushies all over the place :D. Ah...a girl's room xD. That said, I've always wanted my own room. Ever since, like, primary school. I hope I get one when my house is demolished and the new awesome high-rise one is built over it. That plan has been delayed, like, 3 years...damn... Anyway back to the main point, it was my first time being invited to sth like that and I felt so special and awesome. Btw it's nothing like ra mắt bố mẹ vợ ok Ha My Nguyen -_-||||, we're not even dating (yet xD xD xD, hopefully). Her parents and uncle and auntie and cousins were nice and hyper too xD. There were no more than 10 people but I could swear it was the loudest party ever xD, and the adults were laughing louder some more... I got to spent some time alone with Tricia in her room haha :), we just talked about random stuff. I'm missing that so much D:. And I miss her too. Should have seen and bought that blue rose for her D:. I actually went back home at pretty damn late. 11pm. So Tricia and her dad gave me a ride home :D. Yayay :D. They're awesome people, even gave me lucky money woo hoo. I feel bad I accidentally dropped it on the floor without knowing. Hope they didn't get a bad impression of me from that. Maybe I'm just worrying too much. I probably won't be able to hang out much with her this year since she's busy with A-lvl stuffs. Better not disturb her too much also. Haiz. Hope she'll be free in uni hehe. Just that I would be busy in j2 then @.@, maybe waiting another year won't hurt...hope it's not too late by then xD.
Ah well, I'm tired. MT house party tomorrow. Looking forward to it so much. Go Jean Hui :D.